


21 Days

by Tessas_left_eye



Category: Tessa & Scott - Fandom, Virtue & Moir - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:40:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23185654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tessas_left_eye/pseuds/Tessas_left_eye
Summary: Before the days start:They can’t help imagining all the time - if she had done something differently, even the tiniest thing, things could have ended up differently, much better, like a butterfly effect. Maybe if Tessa had landed on another foot one day when they were still training for Pyeongchang, things could be different today. Maybe if he had hugged her a little tighter at the end of that programme, things could be different. Scott wouldn’t be engaged, at least not with another woman.But here they are. Nothing can be changed. They spend 21 days trying to forget each other and, inevitably, hurting each other.
Relationships: Scott Moir & Tessa Virtue, Scott Moir/Tessa Virtue
Comments: 12
Kudos: 31





	1. Enough

**Author's Note:**

> I have only found out about these two wonderful human beings around 4 months ago. And it hurts me so much that I didn’t know about them earlier. I wish I had known them before they retired. I wish I had known them before the hometown star speech. But as Alma in this one, I am also weirdly confident and sure that they will end up together someday. All they need is time. Maybe 21 days. Maybe a few 21-days?
> 
> I need good things in my life to get me through some of the tough days, and I want to write this one for them and for those who love them. I’d like to think, perhaps just like so many of you, that things will be a little different maybe just tomorrow. This one is about hoping for better and greater things for them because they deserve it so much.
> 
> *Thanks to @OriAr who reminded me that the timeline in chapter 1 isn't very clear. This Christmas would be in 2018.

**Chapter 1: Enough**

They have found things funny since after Pyeongchang. Neither of them could have imagined things could be so bad after the best game of their lives. 

Towards the end of 2018, they had countless conversations of the same sort. In the car, in the changing room, at a cafe, on the plane… 

It always starts with a sudden silence between the two. And Scott would be the one who’s too eager to ask: “I just don’t know why… Why it isn’t enough.”

“It’s not not-enough, Scott. It’s not.” Tessa would instantly feel defensive and a little angry because of the sadness inside her because they have had this conversation for so many times. 

“You said you wanted the degree, your business, your ‘other things in life’. How is that not not-enough?” Scott would run his hands through his hair, frustratedly. “I thought simply being in the rink with me was enough. At least I hoped so.”

“And being in the rink has always been what I ever needed. And nothing has ever made me happier than when I’m in the rink with you, Scott…” Tessa would feel her eyes being warm every time she said this. 

“Then why do you keep talking about all the other things?” 

“Because Scott, I want to try things. I may have one favourite ice-cream flavour, but I can’t die not having tried all the other things. I hope and I think I could do other things well. And I just want to try…” 

Scott will never think for one second that Tessa would ever say anything to make him feel bad, but everything she said just made him feel extremely insufficient. They have had 20 brilliant years together and it was all they knew. It was all they needed. In Scott’s heart, they will stay in the rink, together, until they can’t walk anymore. They will skate and compete until they have to retire. They will coach younger kids for Canada after that. They will have their own child or children and they will teach them to skate. They will come back to the rink day after day, just like how they had been doing for the past 20 years. And that, was all Scott had ever wanted and needed. 

It broke his heart when Tessa first expressed her interest in many other things other than skating years ago. Scott is all for Tessa trying things and having fun in life. But what he didn’t see coming was when Tessa mentioned she wanted to start to focus on other things once they retire. 

Scott always felt like someone had stabbed a knife into his stomach when he saw how excited Tessa was talking about her life after retirement. He hoped things would change, but apparently it hasn’t. Tessa is still talking about life after retirement, life outside of the rink. 

“You should love skating…” Scott would look away and say that quietly. 

“I do. I love skating, with you, more than anything else in this world. And I don’t think it’ll ever change.” 

“But if you love something enough, it would be enough for you.” 

“Scotty…”She never knows how to respond to this. And the conversation would end there. 

She wanted to tell Scott how along the years she had always briefly tried other things and she had found it fulfilling and fun. She’d found that she could do those things well, too. She’d always been curious to see if she could achieve other things outside of the rink. She’d always been a curious and ambitious person. That’s how she got so far in skating. 

But she couldn’t say those words to him because she knew it would do more harm than good. She ended up always swallowing the words and placing her hand on Scott’s shoulder, hoping that would do something. 

Between the conversations about retirement and the things Tessa wanted to do after it and the holiday time coming, they were going through their own hell at home. 

Scott had been with Jackie for a while till then. No one understood why he went for someone who was in some way still married. No one understood why he ever wanted to be with anyone else throughout the years. He had perfected his answer to those questions, which is the usual PR style nonsense that he and Tessa never believed in. They just thought if they said it often enough, maybe people would buy it and, more importantly, they themselves would buy it. 

“We have the best partnership on ice and we’re flattered that people find it romantic.” 

Complete bullshit. They both hear this in their heads whenever they say that. 

Alma was probably the only one who had come closed to the uncoated truth. She spent years trying to figure it out. 

She sees it when Scott looks at Tessa wholeheartedly. She sees it when Scott hugs Tessa like it’s the end of the world. She sees it when Scott had those breakdowns when Tessa was going through her surgeries. 

She also sees it when Tessa looks at Scott while he talks. She also sees it when Tessa’s eyes brighten whenever Scott shows up near her. She also sees Tessa’s pain and struggle during all the calls she got from Tessa. 

She sees everything. She sees a girl who put their dream ahead of her own dream and would do everything to make sure that they achieve the goal so that the boy would be happy. She sees a boy who wears his heart on his sleeve, who spent years trying to chase after a dream with this girl because this girl had made that dream the only thing that matters to him. 

As someone who has been in a marriage for decades, she also sees that sometimes love is not enough. What you give to each other isn’t necessarily what the other person needs or wants, even if it comes from the deepest love. And you would think the misunderstanding is a joke for two people who have been together for 20 years. Every couple in a long-term relationship can tell you that’s just nonsense. 

But the difference is, some couples figure it out. Some couples don’t. 

“So, it’s good to see Jackie here this time.” She takes over the win glasses Scott brought to her by the sink. 

“Yeah… It is.” Scott’s answer is short for some obvious reason. 

“Probably should have sent her family a card.” Alma opens the dishwasher as she says. 

“I’m sure they’re not cross about it.” Scott gives an ever-so-slight smile to his mother.

“Did you get Tessa a card though?” Alma always asks/reminds Scott during Christmas, since day one. 

“Yeah… Probably she didn’t have the time to read it.” Scott looks down at the sink as if there was something fascinating going on.

“Mind telling me what you guys are going to do next year?” Alma knows she doesn’t even have to specify who “you guys” are. 

“Nothing you don’t already know, mom. She wants to give other things a go.” 

“Okay.” Alma finishes putting the dishes in and stands up while closing the dishwasher. “You know she will do so great whatever it is. You ought to be so proud.” She adds. She can hear the sadness in his answer. 

“Yeah. Never doubt it.” Scott turns around towards the island, trying to hide his face. 

“I don’t think you ever need anyone to tell you what you guys have, even if I know trillions of people had already told you.” Alma switches on the tap to rinse her hands. 

“Yeah…” Scott almost felt he was physically hurting when Alma mentioned it. “But apparently I was not a part of her plan when we were skating. I am not a part of the plan after retirement, either.” 

Alma reaches for the towel hanging on the wall: “Honey… We both know you two wanted to focus on the sport in the past. She has always been so cautious and she never wanted to risk it, for your and her sake.”

Scott doesn’t say anything. He knows that his mother makes every sense. But when you’ve been trying so hard for 20 years and nothing happened, for someone who has won so many medals, it’s considered the biggest failure in his life. 

“I remember her when I first met her at the rink.” Alma turns to the island, checking up on Scott. “She was always interested in things. Every time I met her after training, she would tell me about the things she did over the weekend. She’s very smart and she has always been curious.” Alma decides she would pour a glass of water just to make it a little less awkward for Scott. “She simply wants to see other possibilities.” 

“I guess you’d only want to see other possibilities when the one you already have isn’t good enough.” Scott smiles bitterly. 

Alma smiles, too, remembering how Scott had been saying this since his first kiss. Their first kiss. She remembers him coming back home, anxious, on the day he had his first kiss with the girl he likes the most. She remembers how many years she has been trying to convince him otherwise. 

She remembers when Tessa had CECS and everyone agreed that it was a good time for her to try other things. She remembers Tessa calling her late at night a few days before the surgery, crying on the phone telling Alma how thinking about stop skating with Scott now would hurt more than any physical pain. She remembers telling Tessa how much she loved her and she had always considered Tessa as one of her own, that Tessa should go for what’s best for herself, that Scott would never be able to hate Tessa, that Scott would want the best for her. 

She remembers how Tessa only took half a day to say no to that proposal because “I can’t stop now. He’s not done with it. I can’t be done with it. I want more years with him in the rink.”

She remembers Tessa bravely wiping her tears over the phone and asking Alma not to tell Scott that she’d ever considered this option because she thought it would hurt him. 

It was then Alma decided to take a little risk. She decided that she would give herself a holiday by taking a break from reminding Scott how Tessa looks at him like no one else in this world looking at anyone else, how she practically put countless things in life on hold so that she could chase after their dream together… She decided that she will change her strategy after failing to make him see it for 20 years. He had to figure it out on his own this time — Alma said to herself.

“I also know that Moirs are very smart, too.” Alma takes a sip of the water and puts down the glass on the island. “Which means I know you will figure it out, whatever the answer is.” 

Scott looks up and fixes his eyes on his mother’s face, trying to see if her facial expression can help him understand what she just said because it wasn’t like her at all. He is expecting Alma to try to convince him again like she’s been doing for 20 years. 

Maybe my family has also finally agreed that it will never work. Maybe they also think that she finds me insufficient. — It was easy for Scott to concluded that. Very easy. 

“Well, mom. I think I’ve already figured it out for a while now. He looks at Jackie’s jacket hanging from a chair. 

“I only ask you to be honest to yourself and don’t ever try to lie to yourself. Do that for me, at least.” Alma touches his shoulder gently, but her voice was firm. 

Scott can’t wrap his head around what his mother is saying even with the visual aid. He gives up trying to make sense of it because, at this point, he is too exhausted. He is hurt and tired. He just wants to gather all the little details that support him to give up on them. Naturally, he doesn’t feel any better as he gathers more and more reasons to give up.

But Alma has faith. Oddly she isn’t worried any more. She is confident with that new plan.  And all they need is time. Time is enough.


	2. A bag of Lindts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year for Tessa, too. But for some special reason. 
> 
> Christmas 2018.

Tessa can’t remember a worse Christmas. 

There’s always that wonderful family time she gets, making her feel safe and happy and relaxed, protected from all the stress and hard work she has to go through throughout the year. She can just be the sister and the daughter. She can just stay at home and do nothing. 

But Christmas had also become better when she met Scott 20 years ago. 

She remembers the first Christmas they had together. Alma and Kate wanted them to get to know each other better outside of the rink and made sure that they saved a day on the calendar that week for them to get together. Alma later told Kate in the living room that when she took Scott that year for Christmas shopping, they spent almost the entire afternoon looking for the right present. And this story of them hunting for a Christmas present for Tessa for the first time would then become everyone’s favourite Christmas story. It became a Virtue and Moir Christmas tradition. 

That day, Alma would ask Scott what he thought Tessa would like and Scott would say “How would I know mom? I only met her just now…” And Alma would try to pick something, like a water bottle or a cute lunch box, and ask for Scott’s opinion. Scott would say: “I don’t think she’ll like it.” Alma always laughs when she gets to this part, commenting how 9-year-old Scott was so confused when he said “I don’t know her well” but so certain when he disapproved around 14 presents picked by Alma with “I don’t think she’ll like this one”. 

3 hours walking in the mall later, they found themselves by the Lindt Chocolate Shop. Scott was tired but he looked somehow excited. 

He stopped at the chocolate shop and turned to Alma: “I think she likes chocolate. This should do!”

Alma was amused by his confidence: “You sure? Okay then. Let’s go get some chocolate for Tessa.” 

They walked in. Scott was very impressed by the selection of the shop. He grabbed a bag right away and started to curiously look at all the tags for each flavour as if he was reading for his PhD thesis. 

“I think this is nice… Looks very sweet.” He carefully put some of the red ones in the bag. 

10 minutes later. Scott came back to Alma with a bag full, very full, of Lindt. He had to cover the top with his palm to make sure that no chocolate escaped from him. 

“Scott honey… Don’t you think this is a little too much? That’s a lot of sweet.” Alma smiled.

“Well…” young Scott looked down at the bag, “not really… She can have them throughout the year right?” Scott looked up with a satisfied smile. 

Alma thought to herself that Kate might not like to have that much chocolate in a house filled with already energetic kids, but she couldn’t say no to that happy face of Scott. 

“If you’re sure that Tessa would be happy with this. Then let’s get them.”

* * *

The Christmas of 1997 was one of Tessa’s favourite. 

She was as confused as Scott, not understanding why their mothers insisted on spending a day together while they were already seeing each other daily. 

She remembers Alma and the children coming to them early in the morning. She ran downstairs, feeling strangely excited. She was really looking forward to hanging out with Scott outside of the rink. 

She remembers both of them being a little too awkward in the house, almost felt like they didn’t know how to behave next to each other outside of the rink. 

“Scotty. Do you want to show Tessa what you got for her?” Alma reminded him. 

“Oh… Yeah… Sure.” Scott opened his blue backpack. He took out the paper bag and a card. 

The paper bag looked a little worn out, having been trying to hold all the chocolate Scott picked for Tessa. It was so full that Alma couldn’t possibly tie a ribbon to make it a little more presentable. She had offered to find a better-looking bag to put the chocolate in, but Scott very quickly rejected the proposal. He looked at that bag of Lindts like it was the most important thing to him.

“Tess, Merry.. Merry Christmas.” He put the present on the space between them on the sofa. 

“Oh… Thank you Scotty!” Tessa stood up, excited. 

She wanted to open the bag but Kate knew she wouldn’t remember to read the card if she did that: “Honey, do you want to also check out Scotty’s card?”

“Oh yes…” Tessa picked up the envelope and carefully opened it, trying as hard as possible not to ruin it. 

She took the card out. It was a pair of white skates. The background was a beautiful snowy forest. 

Tessa’s eyes were lit up, genuinely surprised: “It’s so pretty!” She looked up and smiled at Scott. Scott was blushing already. 

“Merry Christmas Tessa. Thank you for s… for skating with me.” Tessa read out loud slowly. Scott’s face was a little too red. 

“Now let’s see what Scott got you.” Kate was also very impressed with the card.

Tessa was very ready. She swiftly ripped off that piece of tape Scott used to “seal” the bag with. All the round-shaped chocolate just rolled out of the bag right away, some went down to the floor. 

“Chocolate!!!” Tessa squeaked. “So much chocolate!” She was almost jumping. 

“Thank you Scotty! I love it! I love chocolate!” Tessa turned around and gave Scott a very tight and happy hug. 

“Oh Scotty. How did you know she liked chocolate?” Kate bent over to grab those chocolate on the ground, with a loving smile on her face. 

Seeing Scott almost burning his cheeks, Alma took over and started to tell Kate about their Christmas present hunting adventure while Tessa and Scott were on the ground digging into the bag already. 

“Scotty, which colour do you want to try first?”

* * *

For the next 20 years, Alma would continue to tell this story every year in front of all the Virtues and Moirs; Scott would always blush listening to the story; but Scott still picks up a bag of Lindts for Tessa every Christmas (though the amount would be much more moderate compared to that first bag) along with another present he chooses; Tessa would always share the chocolate with him on the ground; both of them would get a little sugar rush and then fall asleep on the couch together… 

But not this year. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect to have this bit but when I started to write the second chapter, this chocolate bit just came to me. I thought it'd be very sweet. Thank you all for the love. Xx


	3. Sleeping Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The best memory could become the worst enemy one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kindly click on the link for music. It's such a beautiful and sad piece.

It’s not too hard to find one or two Lindts in the Virtue’s, especially around the Christmas time. It used to be one of Tessa’s best guilty pleasure but now it’s more like a reminder of her pain. A reminder of Scott’s absence in Christmas, the first time in 20 years. 

It’s the next day of Christmas, Tessa found herself a less than convincing excuse after dinner and snuck back into her room. She saw both Kate and Jordan looking at her when she left the room but she didn’t even have the strength to fake a smile to soothe them. She felt guilty. But she’s too occupied with the sorrow.

The clock hit 11. She takes off her headphones to listen and to make sure that the crowd has left before she opens the door to go to the kitchen for some air. It was the first time she realises how quiet the house can be, with all the people coming and going. 

She puts her headphone back on, slowly and quietly opens the door. She walks into the kitchen in her nightgown.

“All clear…” She feels a great relief, like she can finally breathe again, without all the carols and candles and the endless chatting and laughing from so many family members. She can tell that Kate and her brothers and sister tried to clean up the kitchen after the guests left but they ended up deciding to finish up tomorrow morning. She could see a few glasses standing on the island and some mugs in the sink. She walks to the counter and opens her bottle to get some water. As she put down the bottle, a tiny shiny ball catches her eyes. She looks to her left, it’s a green Lindt, mint flavour. 

She can’t help smiling. She thinks of the time when she made Scott first to try the mint flavour. It was probably when she was 8. She already knew that Scott despised chocolate mint ice-cream. But that Christmas she found a mint one in the bag of Lindt Scott brought to the house. She spent the entire morning begging Scott to try it and her argument was “you never tried. How do you know you don’t like it? Lindt makes everything taste better!” Scott gave in before lunch. But little did Tessa know it wasn’t because Scott suddenly decided to believe that Lindt theory. It was mainly Tessa saying “please Scotty, please” and looking at Scott with those big sincere eyes. She knew he would hate it but it was still overly amusing when he ran into the kitchen to spit it out, shouting “it still tastes like toothpaste Tess! Doesn’t taste any better!” She couldn’t stop laughing for almost 10 minutes. — Scott was thinking about how he loved to see her laughing… He loved to see her laughing so hard that she can’t talk. 

She then thinks of when they were in Belgium back in June. She found an ice-cream place around the corner while Scott was checking out an antique shop and got herself a scoop of mint chocolate and a scoop of coconut. She found Scott outside of the shop and raised the ice-cream to Scott’s mouth so fast that Scott didn’t have the time to think or look. He turned around and just opened his mouth extempore and 2 seconds later he was shouting “Oh my GOD Tess what is this where’s my water!”

She misses those wonderful months they had during and after the Olympics. She even misses the exhausting practising. She misses being on the top of the world with Scott on ice. 

She misses their days in France and Belgium. She misses walking down the street late at night without anyone else, just the two of them. She misses Scott sneaking back into the florist and buying a bouquet for her because he saw her standing there taking pictures of the pink flowers. She misses Scott holding the umbrellas for them and walking in the rain that day in Reims. 

She misses him. 

So much.

She feels like her chest is empty, hollow.

She picks up the mint flavour Lindt, looking at it like there’s something on it to figure out. 

She’s been listening to the radio the whole night. She uses it as a distraction to take over her attention whenever her mind drifts away and tries to think about Scott. [The piano starts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OB1aoelO_Ow) to play as she picks up the chocolate. It might be all the memory. It might be the chocolate. It might be the melody being extremely sad. All she knows now is that she feels like she’s drowning in the ice-cold ocean of sorrow. The woman starts to hum the lyrics. Tears come down her cheeks. She feels suffocated as if someone has just taken the air out of her chest. Oh her chest. Her chest hurts so much. She grabs the fabric in front of her chest tightly but it feels like nothing, like nothing is there anymore.

_How can I get used to_

_How can I forget you?_

Scott’s hands touching her shoulder and waist as they perform Roxanne at the Olympics. His fingers spread so wide it feels like he’s trying to collect her and pull her into him. Their hands holding so tight and Tessa’s other hand locks Scott’s neck. She loves how possessive they both get to be in this programme.

* * *

_Will I get used to_

_Sleeping alone?_

4 am in the morning, they sit in the car, making a sandwich with a pillow between their heads. Tessa hates getting up so early but she always manages to get out of bed after reminding herself that she gets to skate with Scott for hours today. Scott loves smelling her hair when they make the “head sandwich”. Tessa’s hair would come down to her shoulder and sometimes on the pillow. It smells like strawberry. 

* * *

_I never used to_

_How did I get to_

_Ever get used to_

_Sleeping alone?_

11 pm in their hotel in Reims, Scott knocks on her door. They just sit on the ground. Tessa’s being a little too excited about the tiny painting she bought from a street artist today. She makes Scott “admire” it for 5 minutes and proceeds to make him listen to her why she loves it so much. They both yawn. Scott smiles and stands up. He can’t tell why he wants to or why he should do it. But he just wants to do it. He sweeps Tessa off her feet from the floor and says “time for bed, kiddo”. He tucks her in, jokingly. She says “stay”, jokingly. They sleep so soundly that day, as they always do whenever they share a bed over the past 20 years. He loves falling asleep smelling her strawberry hair. 

* * *

_Tomorrow is a long time_

_Forgetting so long_

_I loved you a lifetime_

_I loved you long_

10:15 pm in Tessa’s hotel room in Japan. She can feel her losing him. “Scott. Retirement doesn’t wipe out what we’ve achieved. And we have achieved so much.” “But why don’t you want to go further with me in the rink. You know it’s not the retirement that I can’t take. It’s you leaving the rink!” “Scott… I need to step out of the rink for a bit. I want to see what else I can do…” 

“You’re always putting me on hold.” Scott buries his face in his hands. “We couldn’t dive into our relationship no matter how much we want it because skating came first. Always. You can’t stay in the rink with me because you want to see what’s out there…”

“You know that’s not true…” Tessa can’t gather any other words. She feels like she’s reaching out but he can’t see her hand. 

“I keep waiting, Tess. I just want to finally be with you on ice, not just skate with you.” His hair is too long, but he knows Tessa likes it that way.

“I have been on ice with you for 20 years Scott. I love every second of it, so much.” She can feel her tears wetting her skin. “And I love you… I always have"

“But not enough right?” His eyebrows are sad. 

* * *

_Someday, somehow_

_Somewhere down the line_

_If you save your heart for mine_

_We'll meet again, we'll meet again_

They meet at the rink weeks before the Thank You Canada Tour to practice. But he’s never been so far away before. Even if she can feel his warmth when they dance, he seems to be miles away. 

* * *

_Will I get used to?_

_Can I forget you?_

_Don't want to get used to_

_Dancing alone_

After their last dance for the Thank You Canada Tour, one month before Christmas, they stand in the changing room. Both of them try so hard to say something. But neither of them can catch any word in the air. 

“I guess I’ll see you at Walk of Fame next month.” Scott smiles and picks up his skates from the ground. 

“How… How are things with Jackie?” She never knew saying that name can hurt so much.

“It’s been… it’s been good. You know… A few months together. All good.” He tries to convince himself that he’s happy.

“That’s good.” Tessa smiles. She is genuinely happy that someone is taking care of him. But her chest still hurts. 

“Yeah…” It hurts to see her being happy for him when he’s with someone else. “We did well with this tour. Well done.”

“We did!” But she knows that she was dancing alone on the ice this time throughout the tour.

* * *

_Love was my shoreline_

_I stare myself blind_

_Now was not our time_

_No, I let you down_

They walk out of the Walk of Fame Awards venue. 

“You look really nice today.” He hates how beautiful she always looks. He hates even more how he still can’t take his eyes off of her.

“Not to bad yourself kiddo!” She takes a fluff off his shoulder. 

“I guess mom told Kate about this Christmas right…” He hates this whole conversation. 

“Yeah! I understand. For sure… You’ll have such a busy but lovely Christmas though.” She feels that the green dress is suddenly so tight. 

“What, what about you guys then? Any plan?” They come to the stairs. His first reaction was to reach for her hand.

“Well, you know. The usual… Mulled wine, lots of food, and chocolate.” She let out a light chuckle. She loves the way her hand fits in his. 

* * *

_Someday, somehow_

_Somewhere down the line_

_If you save your heart for mine_

_We'll meet again, we'll meet again_

She can only see a blurry green in her hand now. Tears streak down to her neck. “Meeting doesn’t mean being back together. So what’s the point?” She asks herself. 

_Some last, some die_

_Some love wait till its time_

_If you save your heart for mine_

_We'll meet again, we'll meet again_

_We'll meet again_

_We'll meet again_


	4. April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What they have is bigger than everything. But also more difficult than anything.

Tessa has hated 2019 so far.

The beginning of 2019 has been even calmer that it is surreal. It’s so calm that both of them hate it. 

The only consultation they had was the occasional meet-up for work. The occasional exchanging of texts. The occasional posts on social media by either of them. A “throwback Thursday” or a “Moir Monday” or a “Tessa Tuesday” post. He had the perfect excuse to post that picture of them holding hands on ice after Roxanne at Pyeongchang late February while thinking about how much he missed holding Tessa’s hands on ice, especially when they’re not performing and when they’re just casually going around the rink. She had the impeccable excuse to post one of her favourite pictures of them — his right hand on her waist, left hand on her shoulder; her right hand on top of his right hand as if she was trying to keep it there for eternity; his lips kissing her shoulder because it was the most intimate they were allowed to be right then and there in front of thousands of the others at the rink and millions of the others watching on the screen; their foreheads touching, as the most gentle yet the most intense contact. 

She loves that picture. She remembers right at that moment she could feel that their souls were merged so loudly and so passionately in front of the world. That moment is so private that anyone who sees it feels embarrassed and intrusive. It was the perfect photo for their Pyeongchang anniversary. It was also the perfect photo for her to secretly try to remind Scott that she remembers and she still loves him. As much as she knows that he wouldn’t perceive it that way because right now everything is pure business. It’s merely to maintain the Virtue & Moir brand. He is happy with someone else. He has moved on and he has all the reasons to because she cannot give him what he needs. 

Scott’s heart had a stroke when he saw that photo Tessa posted. The photo they chose for their book. Memory barged into his brain along with that tsunami of emotions. He is thinking about how tight he was hugging her even if he tried his very best to hold back in order to avoid hurting her. After they had the worst fight in Japan back in July, Youtube algorithm played the biggest prank on him by recommending him that video of Roxanne. He watched that video for the first time that day as if he wanted it to hurt. He noticed how tight he actually hugged her that day after they finished because he could see the redness on her back… Her beautiful back. The back he always strokes and holds like it’s a secret language they speak with each other. He didn’t even care if they had won. He was happy because they were together. 

He takes out his phone and texts her: “Happy Olympics anniversary kiddo. :)”

“You too! Still feels surreal.” Tessa doesn’t even wait for a moment to text him back. She never bothers to do any of that. 

“Absolutely. Thank you for getting us there.” Scott just wants to hug her right now. 

“Well it’s ice dancing. You can’t do that alone you know?” Tessa feels like her heart and chest are so full and warm just seeing him typing. 

“I never did the hard work. I just show up and skate. But you did that and everything else. You made sure that we get there.” Scott wants to say more but he stops and reminds himself not to bring back that stupid hope. Hope only makes him upset and angry now. And he just can’t stand being upset with Tessa anymore. It’s not fair for her. They want different things. It happens. Adults accept disagreement, don’t they? The best he can do is to move on and to let her be. 

“That’s very kind, Scotty.” She stands in the kitchen, staring at her screen. She struggles for a good 4 minutes. She wants to say “I would do anything to chase your dream with you because I know you’d do anything for my dream” and “I don’t regret anything we did, if that matters” and “I think it would be the best 20 years of my life”. But she shouldn’t. She shall not disturb his peace that he finally found. She knows how hard it was for him to agree to put their relationship on hold for their career and it’d inevitably hurt him. And it broke her heart when she found out Scott was so excited to stay in the rink to coach with her after their retirement and she had to tell him that she wanted to try other things. It’s like God is writing a joke called “let’s not give Scott what he wants”. Tessa hates how she always wants different things. —But now he has moved on, as he should. This should be all she says. 

_If you’re wondering. You’re still the only one in this world who calls me that other than my mom and Kate._ He smiles, adding in his mind, _and the only person I allow to call me that_. 

_How can one feel so happy and fulfilled yet so sombre at the same time? It’s ridiculous._ She thinks to herself. _Put the phone down. He needs to be happy._ She orders herself.

* * *

April is finally here. Daylight time is longer. The weather is warmer. 

With a cup of coffee by her side, Tessa finally gathers enough energy to open her Moleskine planner. 

_9th March 2020_

_Interviews:_

_CTV, CP24 Breakfast, The Social,_

_E Talk, Your Morning, TSN1050 Toronto_

_(Meet Scott at 7 am)_

This will be their first time getting together for work outside of the rink in a good while. They have been only meeting up occasionally to practise for Ice Fantasia Korea. The mostly blank pages on Tessa’s planner can prove that. Since it’s not a competition, everyone is a lot more relaxed and the practising is far from intense. Tessa cherishes every moment they still have on ice, every touch and every hug she still gets from simply doing the routine. She’s convinced herself that doesn’t make her any less professional because they’re still a pair on ice, and artistic connection is still needed. She’s simply doing what a good dancer and a good athlete should do — even if she gets a tremendous amount of personal satisfaction out of it.

Being on shows and interviews is never what they’re good at, especially Scott. _He can’t hide anything for the sake of his life_. Tessa smiles as she thinks. But that’s what makes him Scott, along with many other flaws and quirks. Sure over the years like every other couple, they have fought about millions of things on ice and in life, but Tessa has never, for one second, dislike anything about Scott. She can’t stand some of the wired things he does, but she accepts him as he is. She let him into her life when they first entered the rink together. To love him the way he is is the only way she knows how to love him — even when he’s decided to enter another relationship with another person.

“ _See you tomorrow kiddo. Did they tell you what to wear?_ ” Tessa can’t stop smiling, thinking that they get to spend a day together. 

“ _What? Is there a dress code? Thought I could just wear a hoodie…_ ” Scott can even see Tessa giggling at this.

“ _At least something with buttons Scotty. [laughing emoji]_ ” Tessa giggles. Scott can tell the worst Dad joke in the world and she’ll still laugh until she’s out of breath. 

“ _Fine fine. Whatever comes with buttons. I’ll find one._ ” Scott titters. It was caught by Danny walking by the living room. 

“Well I haven’t seen that in a while.” Danny teases.

“Don’t be stupid Danny.” Scott feels like he was caught committing a crime. 

“It’s T, right? I know that look.” Danny says, jokingly. He has to remind himself not to involve much in Scott’s love life these days. He was the first to notice all the difference in his brother after Scott returned from Japan last year. He knows what it looks like when someone is in pain. He also knows that one can only save himself when being in this pain. Anything he does might make things worse. 

“Yeah…” Scott looks down to avoid eye contact like he’s got anything to hide. “We have a day full of interviews tomorrow. Just checking in with her.” _Thank God we still work together,_ he thinks to himself. 

Throughout the rest of the day, as much as they both try their hardest to hide the excitement and nervousness but everyone in the family could see they haven’t been that joyful in a long long time. It’s like they’re finally awake. 

* * *

The next day, Scott spent a good 30 minutes trying to find a right outfit this morning. He woke up 5:10 in the morning like a child who’s about to have his big Disney trip — or a boy who’s about to see his crush. So he decided he would just get out of the bed and occupy himself with something. He was running out of time eventually so he grabbed a shirt “with buttons” in front of him. He only realised that it’s a [denim](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMltj8oa-jg) shirt after he finished buttoning himself. He knew Tessa would be frustrated but she’ll also be amused. It’s good enough a reason to go with it. 

* * *

“Morning kiddo.” He has a big smirk on his face the moment he sees her. 

“Morning!” Tessa walks towards him and gives him a tight hug. She only realised how much she was letting herself do after releasing the hug. Feeling him again and smelling him again was all too much that her brain can’t process much. “I’m glad you took the only advice I gave you regarding your outfit. At least there’s that.” Tessa laughs. 

“Well, I can’t disobey. You want buttons. These are the buttons!” Scott points at his shirt dramatically.

“Well I had to bring tons of outfits. I think I have to change for every show…” Tessa shakes her head. 

“Sorry Tess. One of us has to do the job. You look better in 10cm heels.” He shrugs. 

“That I do.” She smiles ever so brightly at him as she quickly tilts her head. 

The first thing Scott thinks of is the lyrics he has tattooed in his mind: the over-the-top exchange of love in that movie that changed their lives. 

_Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place_

_Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace_

_Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste_

_It all revolves around you_

That’s practically what he feels every time he sees her. The feeling when he sees her ponytail wiggles on the ice, just like it just did when she tilted her head. —When they first finished the choreography, Marie was praising him almost excessively, saying he got all the emotions right and it was exactly what she wants to see. He then concluded that was because he was Christian. He became that man who is madly in love with a woman he shouldn’t be loving the moment the music played. He was fighting for love but he felt he was never getting what he wanted. But he also knew perfectly well that he could never stop revolve around her. 

Well, now he has stopped. That’s the rule. That’s what’s best for both of them. 

“Shall we?” Tessa hands him a cup of Timmy. She doesn’t know how not to take care of him.

“Absolutely. Ready to be integrated?” Scott sighs. Nothing has changed. He still dislikes any public events. 

* * *

There was constant interaction, required by most [hosts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HRyAijHjLw). They sat close to each other. Scott missed feeling each other’s warmth, but this is now only required for the sake of the brand. Tessa looked atScott so attentively whenever he talked. She loves looking at his profile because that’s how she knows he’s there, right next to him, and she is safe… But now it’s just the focus required for this job. 

What neither of them enjoyed was having to talk about all those glorious moments they shared over the past 20 years. Privately, for both of them, the better the memories are, the deeper they need to hide them. Every day is a drill for them to be prepared to become the “ex-partner”. 

As much as they appreciated the contact and chatting with each other, it’s not hard to see Scott’s whole body was announcing to the world that he’s not well. **They** are not well. 

“I don’t even know how we managed to get through today…” Scott fiddles with the radio on his car. He has insisted to drive Tessa back home. 

“Me neither Scotty. I’m ready to retire from everything right now.” Tessa aggressively pulls off her hairband and loosens her ponytail. 

“Well done us.” He decides he would just leave the radio be. He just wants some background noise, in case things become complicated. _Since when this is a protocol?_ He reckons he can never get used to things being different between them. He can only tolerate. 

“Well done us indeed.” She lightly touches his shoulder. It’s something she always does. She’s unable to let loose her emotions in front of people. So she came up with a discrete way of connecting with Scott when they’re in public. It’s so discrete that she can comfortably practise wherever they are. And it’s still a part of her.

He finds it unbearable. The strawberry scent from her hair. The light touch on the shoulder, so polite and mutual but when it’s done by her, it’s the most tender thing a lover does. The way she rests her head on the window. And her. Her sitting on the passenger seat like it’s exactly where she belongs. God knows how many rides they have had together. To the rink, to the airport, to homes… 

“Do you remember… Do you remember that [interview](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMADvPOqIiw)… Right after we finished the game?” Scott’s looking at the road as he should be, but he’s just relieved that he doesn’t have to look at her directly. 

“You mean the one where you cried? No it doesn’t ring a bell.” She laughs lightly.

“Well men are allowed to cry ok?” Scott laughs in an attempt to ignore all the emotions running into his brain. 

“I was giving my all trying not to cry.” Tessa looks at him. “I thought if I also cried we would look so ugly.”

“I knew you were…” Scott blinks. _Always so poised. She turns off her emotions on and off like a well-oiled machine._

“I just… I don’t know…” Tessa fiddles with the AC. “I was thinking wow, I am very lucky to have met you. Not because we won gold. But because we shared our lives for 20 years. That made me very sad and happy.” 

“We are very lucky.” Scott simply doesn’t know what to say at this point. After countless fighting and crying and hugging and wiping each other’s tears. He feels like he’s watching someone else’s movie now. He doesn’t want to care for the ending. 

“I… I’m very happy for you two.” He deserves to be loved as much as she deserves to chase after her own dreams. It’s only fair that way. 

“Thank you… But you know, you are… You are very important. You are… You are Tessa.” _Has anyone ever written a textbook about how to express your love to someone when you’re in a relationship with another person without being a dick?_ How does one even begin to explain this relationship they have?

“‘Everyone needs a Tessa’, right?” Tessa giggles as she quotes him. 

“Very wise words…” _But no one will ever have what we have_.

* * *

“Don’t get off. I’ll get out. It’s late. Go home and rest well. I’ll see you for the practice next week. Okay?” Tessa stops him before he attempts to open the door for her.

“OK… Yes. Sure…” He unbuckles his seatbelt anyways.

They have been filling out the silence throughout their ride home, afraid of even one second of quietness. But no one planned for this short break of conversation. The ruthless silence just jumps in. 

She looks up and smiles at him. She does it when she knows he needs some comforting. 

He hugs her, the way he has always hugged her. But he lingers. He doesn’t know how to let go. This feels like a goodbye. A final goodbye. A “the End”. Even though they’re going to meet in a few days.

He lets go of her back and places his hands on her shoulder, gently pushes her back a little. He then leans forward and places his forehead on hers.

She can hear him breathing. Then she also hears him hurting. But it’s okay, because it will get better, as long as she stays in his life, as a friend. _He will get better_.

She places her right hand on his cheek. Her fingers on his ear. She closes her eyes.

Scott can feel that physical pain in him. He can see those 20 years with his eyes closed. What is this relationship anyway? Maybe that’s why it didn’t work out. Because no one has ever had this. Because no one knows how to have it. How do you accept that a part of your life is trying to leave you? You have to cut a part of you off to let her go. So pain is normal. 

Tessa feels her chest is empty, again. She has such an urge to just hold him tightly, chest to chest, just to feel a little less empty. 

They open their eyes. Tessa’s hand drops to his shoulder. Scott holds her head in his hands and gives her the softest kiss on her forehead. 

“Good night kiddo.” 

“Good night Scotty.” 

* * *

Tessa’s cheeks are already wet when she walks into the living room. Kate looked worried for a quick second but she hid it right away. She waits for her daughter to sit down next to her. Tessa puts her head on Kate’s shoulder. 

“You know. What you have is different. It’s big. Bigger than any relationship that has been defined by people.” Kate gently combs Tessa’s hair with her hand. “How you two want to have it, it entirely depends on you. And I will always understand and support, whatever you choose… I’m very proud of you, Tess. I wanted to teach you to be a strong, intelligent and hard-working woman. You are everything and more. But I… I never know how to teach love… I was worried that I wasn’t able to tell you about the most important thing in life. But it wasn’t before long when you two started to skate together. It was like seeing two young young children holding each other’s hands on a long and difficult journey, all by themselves. I saw how you were always there for each other, loving each other the best way you can. I saw you two teaching each other how to love.” Kate rubs Tessa’s shoulder. “A kind of love that none of us has seen or experienced. This is so grand. I suppose it’s so grand that it takes time to master it, right?”

Tessa sits up, trying to wipe her face with her sleeve. 

“I think you’re going to be okay. Love is a funny thing, eh?” 


End file.
